Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the Pound Puppies? (Footage from a Pound Puppies commercial is shown.) NC (Voiceover): Sure you do. Their marketing gimmick was far too clever to overlook. Buy one of our cute SAD LITTLE puppies or else, they get the gas! Boy (Commercial): Those lonely pound puppies really need to be rescued! NC (Voiceover): It was a brilliant idea. And like most toys in the 1980's, if it was popular, it warranted a show. (Footage from the Pound Puppies animated series is shown.) NC (Voiceover): So we got the Pound Puppies show, which was just as dry for ideas as the executives who greenlighted it. I don't know, you got these dogs in the pound, but they get dogs out of the pound, there's an evil woman who runs it, but then there's a daughter who runs it, she tries to capture them even though they're...somehow already in a pound, something about magic power that allows them to talk to humans... NC: It was a mess. And just to make it even more confusing, they had a theatrical release that switched things up even more. That was Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw. (Footage of Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw is shown.) NC (Voiceover): Emotionally lagging and creatively retarded, the Pound Puppies movie was just as big a sellout as you would think. And considering how it was based on a show that was a sellout that was based on a toy that was a sellout, there's a lot of fucking selling out to be done here. NC: So why should these characters have been Korean appetizers? Let's take a look. (Movie starts.) NC (Voiceover): So it's a beautiful day in whatever's-ville, the sun is shining the clouds are out... the cars stop in the mid-dissolve, it's absolutely wonderful. And on this day, we see three dogs walking to the museum. Whopper's Niece: (blankly) Gee, Uncle Whopper, where are you taking us? Whopper's Nephew: All you said was it's a little surprise! Whopper's Niece: (blankly) Did you like surprises, Uncle Whopper? NC: Oh, boy. I think the director's* kids wanted a cameo. * It was actually the producer's kids instead of the director (A boy on a skateboard jaywalks in front of the dogs while a car runs toward him.) Whopper: Hey! Watch out! (Whopper prevents the boy from being hit by a car. The boy's skateboard smashes into pieces.) Boy: Whoa! That could have been me! Thanks. Whopper: That will be you if you don't start watching the lights and wait for the walk signal before you cross! NC (Voiceover; as Boy): Why, thanks, magic-walking-talking dog! Boy, this is the best high ever. Whopper: It's a good thing we still have puppy power, or else I couldn't have talked to him. NC (Voiceover): Yes, apparently there's this thing called puppy power, where dogs and humans can magically talk to one another. Not too late to get a refund, folks! Whopper's Nephew: Where did it come from, anyway, uncle Whopper? Whopper: Wait until you hear this! (A peaceful forest is shown. A butterfly sits on a flower.) Whopper (Voiceover): It all started back in the Dark Ages, back in the days of the knights. NC (Voiceover): Wait a minute, what? (The forest suddenly turns into a busy battlefield of the knights.) Whopper (Voiceover): Things were a lot different back then: good and evil knights — NC (Voiceover): But, what the— Whopper (Voiceover): — fought each other for the right to search for — NC (Voiceover): What the hell? Whopper (Voiceover): — the mystical sword, Excalibur! NC: No, no. Sorry. I came here to watch Pound Puppies. The little dogs? Whopper (Voiceover): Unfortunately, the evil Black Knight won. NC (Voiceover): When did this become Spamalot: The Animated Series? (A skinny boy (presumably Arthur) is strolling around the forest. He whistles to summon his puppy, Digalot) NC (Voiceover; imitating Arthur in a mock British accent): I am Pussy McPantaloon-Britches, and I have no idea why we jump from talking dogs to Quest for Camelot's table scraps. Kind of weird! (The Black Knight suddenly appears and starts to chase after Arthur and Digalot) NC (Voiceover): So the Black Knight, who's not wearing any black, chases after the boy and his dog. (The Knight corners Arthur and Digalot at a bush of thorns) Black Knight: Now, for the pleasure of FINISHING you! (The Black Knight's eye turns red as we see a close up of his face.) (Part of Clear Eye commercial is shown. Ben Stein, who is on a beach, removes sand from the surface of his eye-looking beach ball). Ben Stein: (blankly) For dry, red eyes, Clear Eyes is aaaaaaawesome. NC (Voiceover): So the boy just happens to stumble across the Sword in the Stone and... (While Arthur tries to pull the sword out of the stone, Digalot tries to pull out a shining bone which is embedded in the very same rock) Black Knight: The Bone of Scone! NC: Wait, the what? Black Knight: The Bone of Scone! NC (Voiceover): (Disbelieving) There's a bone in the stone?! Why, why would anyone put a bone in the stone? What's the point?! What, was Merlin drunk when he came up with that little tidbit? NC: (mimicking Merlin while holding a bottle of Jagermeister) And he who pulls the sword from the stone (hiccup) will be named king... (He laughs drunkenly) NC: Okay, okay. I think I'm on to something. What if, j-just hear me out, what if we put a bone in the stone? I-I don't know why! Everyone's gonna be like, "Why is there a bone in the stone? What's the point of that? Blah blah blah." I'm gonna be all like, "Hey, that contains Puppy Power." (He continues laughing drunkenly) NC (mouthing): I don't know why. NC: (continues mimicking Merlin) And everyone's gonna be like, "Well, what the hell's Puppy Power?" Well, I'll tell ya in a second. (He takes out a joint and inhales deeply.) (Arthur and Digalot succeed in pulling their sword and bone from the Stone. Epic music can be heard. As Arthur waves his sword, a king-looking shadow appears behind him.) NC (Voiceover; Imitating He-Man): By the power of greyhound! (The Black Knight trembles with fear and runs away.) NC (Voiceover, mocking the knight): Oh! Hell with this! I'm devoting my life to catching Smurfs! Digalot: (suddenly can talk after having the bone pulled out) Yeah, sure scared him. Arthur: You can talk! Arthur and Digalot: We can talk! We found puppy power! NC (Voiceover): So I guess they just declared it puppy power on the spot, and it seemed to stick. Black Knight: I shall never rest until the bone of scone is mine, and should I fail, the sons of the McNasty clan... NC (Voiceover): McNasty? Really? That's his name? You know, you're sort of leaning his future towards evil when you call somebody that. I can't really see a daycare center called McNasty's. (Advertisement of McNasty's daycare center is shown. The advertisement says: "Only 5 days since our last mysteriously disappeared child.") Whopper: Some story, huh, kids? (Nephew is strangely absent) Whopper's Niece: (blankly) One thing I don't understand, Uncle Whopper... NC: Oh, God, just try to act like you give a shit, will ya?! Whopper: Which brings me to another story, about how we almost lost Puppy Power! NC (Voiceover): Yes, because we can't keep track of where the fuck this movie's going, we cut to yet another flashback. This one takes place in the 50's. Okay... (The pound of the Pound Puppies is shown.) NC (Voiceover): So we see our main characters from the original show. Cooler, Bright Eyes, Nose Marie, Howler and Whopper. (A comparison of the original and movie designs are shown very briefly) Yeah, look nothing like the original designs, do they? In fact, nothing else is like the original show if you grew up with it. The owners are different, the time period's different, even the personalities, if little they were, are different! But who cares? They're having such a rocking good time! (The dogs and cats are singing and dancing.) Dogs (singing): Let's go to the pound! Let's go to the pound! Let's go to the pound! NC: (amazed) Wow. The pound looks awesome! I never knew all the fun I was missing out on all this time! Come on! Let's all go to the pound right now! (A picture of an ordinary dog pound is shown. Sound of chains and dogs whining can be heard. No singing or dancing can be found. Pictures of sad puppies in the pound is shown. NC is very surprised.) NC: Da...dance? (More pictures of sad puppies are shown.) NC: (singing) You can hug and you can pet 'em, but you better not forget 'em at the p... (NC quits singing as he sees more pictures of sad puppies.) NC (Voiceover): Fuck this, I'm getting a turtle. Jeff: For the commemoration of the thousand year anniversary of the bone of scone, we'll be holding an adoption bazaar at the pound. Tammy, the Pound Owner: Yeah. And everybody is invited to come over and adopt the pound puppy or pound purry of their choice. NC (Voiceover): Wait. A pound purry? Did she really just call a cat a pound purry? What, did pound pussy just cause too much controversy? Cooler: Someday, one of Big Paw's descendants will guard the Bone of Scone again. It's like my great grandpuppy said to me. Us Coolers are descendants from King Arthur's puppy, Digalot. NC: (facepalm and eyes closed) Who wrote this? NC (Voiceover): Just then, a... nurse puppy comes in to let them all know the good news. Nurse Puppy: It's time. Jeff: It's time? Tammy: It's time. It's time! Nose Marie: It's time. Howler: It's time. NC: Is it time?! NC (Voiceover): Actually, they're talking about a batch of puppies being born, which is so overblown, it's making the Nativity look phoned in. (A brief image of the Nativity Story is shown.) Collette (singing, looking her puppies): I love you.... (It is a very peaceful moment. Suddenly McNasty bursts in.) McNasty: Where are they? NC: Argh! McNasty: Where are they? Look at them. They're just soooooooo CUTE! Whopper: That guy is weird! Collette: You're right, Whopper. There's something odd about that man. (NC shows an expression that what Collette is saying is nonsense.) NC: Naah! (A frightening McNasty's picture is shown.) NC: What the, the...Naaaaah! McNasty: Young lady! With the papers, please! (He rings a bell to call the pound owner.) Cooler: Uh-oh. Look out for Reflex! Reflex: (Kisses various dogs) I love you! I love you! I love you! NC: (confused) What the hell...? NC (Voiceover): Yes, this interesting mental psychosis has a very strange reaction when he hears a bell. He runs around kissing people saying that he loves them. NC: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life! No rhyme or reason! (NC drinks blood from a skull while shooting his pistol in the air.) Tammy: Look out. (Reflex jumps at McNasty, with a deranged look, and kisses him.) NC: (Laughs) I think this calls for another....(Close-up as he talks in slow motion; "Scary Slow-Mo" appears on screen) SCARY SLOW-MO! (Reflex is jumping at the screen in slow-mo) DaaaAAGH!!! Eww, fucking pound pervert! (McNasty claims the puppies he's just bought.) NC (Voiceover): So after having sold the puppies to a man with razor-sharp teeth, Whopper decides to follow him to see what his evil plan is. (Whopper is shown spying on McNasty) McNasty: After a few minutes in my mean machine, these gentle puppies will be transformed into vicious guard dogs. (Puts puppies in a cage; pulls out a map of the museum) This is a map of the museum. You enter here, then go through this corridor, right to the bone. Then I have the power of the bone and my army of vicious attack dogs! I will take over the pound, and then...the country. (Whopper runs away) And then...THE WORLD!!! M. Bison: OF COURSE! NC (Voiceover): So Whopper goes and tells everybody what he saw, but nobody believes him. Cooler: All right, Whopper, that's enough. It's good that you have an active imagination, but you have to learn to control it. NC (Voiceover): (Remarking on this last line) Really? This is a movie that starts off with Excalibur, talking puppies, and a guy named McNasty! I think we've established that there's nothing far-fetched in this movie! (McNasty's two goons break into the museum disguised as janitors.) NC (Voiceover): So it's up to Whopper himself to stop the thugs from stealing the bone. Bones, the Skinny Thug: This is gonna be a piece of cake! Lumpy, the Fat Thug: Hey, don't mention food, I'm starvin', alright? NC (Voiceover): (as Bones) Hey, Lumpy, you know how we were talking about the other day how we're in every single solitary movie ever? The fat guy and the skinny guy who are both thugs? (as Lumpy) Yeah. (as Bones) Do you think that's a throwback to classic character development, or just really shitty writing? (as Lumpy) I'd pick the latter. (Lumpy breaks the bone on Bones' head as Whopper watches.) NC (Voiceover): So the bone is broken in half, which means that all puppy power in the world is taken away. (Cut to the pound to Collette, her pups, and the nurse puppy.) Collette: I saw Whopper run...(Suddenly can only bark to the kids) Jeff: What's going on? I can't understand Collette! Cooler: Hey, I can't understand Tammy and Jeff! NC: (Unimpressed) Well, that's odd. It's almost...normal! NC (Voiceover): So through a confusing chase scene, we see the thugs get half of the bone as well as Whopper and that mother dog. (The thugs vacuum up the two dogs) (Cooler talks to the gang at the museum.) Cooler: We gotta find the bone and put it back together if we want puppy power back. Howler: What if we c-c-can't? Cooler: We have to! Or kids and puppies will never be able to talk again! It'll be like the way it was in the Dark Ages. Puppies/Purries: Oh, no! NC: (faking disbelief) Oh, no! It would be like...pretty much how it is now! Whoooh-oooh-ooh! Cooler: Shh! Uh-oh, listen! It's the puplings! (Cooler's nose is clearly missing) NC (Voiceover): (as Cooler) I think they're saying my disappearing, sloppily-animated nose is back at the pound! (The six puplings cry for their mother.) Bright Eyes: Oh, her babies are all alone! NC: So with the mother gone, nobody can feed the pups, so they rip off 101 Dalmatians by howling to all the dogs trying to get information. (The dogs howl to each other all across town, reminiscent of the twilight bark scene in 101 Dalmatians.) Cooler: Okay, a fat guy and a skinny guy are headed out of town on a motorcycle. NC: Wait, wait! I've heard this one, the punchline is "pineapple", right? Cooler: We're gonna rescue them! Charlamange (Female Purry): Let's get crackin'! Cooler: (stops her) Thanks, but, uh, tracking's a dog's job. (Leaves without the cats) Charlamange: Well, I thought we were all friends. NC: Boy, who'd have thought that Cooler was an anti-Cattite? (Image of Adolf Hitler with his head replaced by Cooler's; Hitler's speeches can be heard in the background; Cooler's laugh from the show plays at the end.) NC (Voiceover): So McNasty plans to throw the pups into his mean machine that turns nice dogs into bad dogs as he sings about how evil and terrible he is. (McNasty feeds the pups to his mean machine and starts singing and jumping around his lair while holding a globe.) McNasty: (singing) Control will be mine! All I need is that bone! I've got a plan in mind to put me on the throne! (His two thugs dressed as women dance in the background) NC (Voiceover): You know, doing Acapella with a man who's screaming and isn't really singing doesn't count as a song. You need more musical accompaniment than, "da-da-da-da-da"! McNasty: (singing) Now the world will be mine! My time has finally come! In the McNasty bloodline, I'm the son of a son-of-a-gun! (Trumpet blares as McNasty suddenly dresses like Elvis and dances in a line with bulldogs) NC: (disgusted) Oh, God. I never thought I would say this, but...bring the Rapping Dog back! (A clip of the rapping dog from Titanic: The Animated Musical appears.) (McNasty finishes his number as the room darkens; across the screen "SHIT" appears.) (Cooler and the gang are in a creepy forest.) NC (Voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to Cooler and the gang as they travel through the woods. As bad as the dialogue is, at least we don't have to listen to another crummy song...(Cooler jumps and around and sings) DAAGH!! Cooler: (singing) It's all in your mind! (Background chorus chants: Dooby-dooby, dooby-dooby, ruff ruff) All in your mind! (A scene of Danny Zuko (John Travolta) in Grease appears doing his dancing/singing is shown briefly.) Danny: It's electrifying! NC (Voiceover): So as they travel through Hieronymus box hell, we see that Whopper and the mother escape and catch up with the gang. (The mother and Whopper meet Cooler; cut to them getting captured by the thugs again.) NC (Voiceover): But they're captured again five minutes later, so this was completely pointless. (Cooler and the pups stares angrily at the thugs as the kidnapping takes place; the mother is clearly seen among the group even though she was just captured.) NC (Voiceover): Whoa, wait a minute, we just saw the mother get put away! Now she's back with the group? What, was there a Stargate in that bag or something? Lumpy: Move! (They run off) Cooler: Come on, gang, let's nail them! (Nose Marie is seen in place of where the mother erroneously appeared earlier) (Puppies chase the thugs on a motorcycle.) NC (Voiceover): So they have a little chase and end up in a mine shaft where the pups are left hanging. (Cut to the pups hanging from a rope in the shaft; Cut down to Nose Marie where you can see up her skirt.) Nose Marie: (with voiceover of Dot Matrix from Spaceballs) Hey, stop looking at my can! Male Dog: (with voiceover of Barf from Spaceballs) Sorry. NC (Voiceover): But luckily, Tōne Loc's cat is there to save the day. (The cats show up just in time to save them) Hairball (Male Purry): (deep, gravelly voice) Job for a dog, huh? Charlamange: We figured you'd need us sooner or later. Cooler: I never thought I'd say this, but thanks, cats. You're alright. NC (Voiceover): Oh, good, Cooler is able to put his deeply-rooted cat prejudice aside for one day. Goody-goody! So McNasty puts the dogs in the mean machine...on a rather pointless conveyor belt that they could have just easily rolled off of...as Cooler and the gang find themselves in even more trouble. (Cooler and the gang walk across a bridge in a watery swamp, but the bridge suddenly collapses; they grab onto the trees above struggling to stay afloat.) Hairball: Hey, I can't swim! Reflex: Don't worry, it's quicksand! NC (Voiceover): Uhhh, no...that's water. Bright Eyes: (afraid) A-Are there any sharks in quicksand? NC (Voiceover): It's so obviously water! It's blue, it's liquid, you can swim in it...IT'S WATER! Do you animators just have trouble drawing noses AND sand? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! (The gang is suddenly pulled out of the water onto the docks; a massive, darkened beast appears.) Nose Marie: It's....It's... (Monty Python's Flying Circus title card pops up with the Monty Python theme: "Monty Python's Flying Cccirr....CUS!".) NC (Voiceover): Actually, it's Big Paw. Yes, he's in this movie, too. Big Paw: I'm just a lonely puppy without a home, and without any friends. (Pink tears appear in his eyes to queue a song) NC (Voiceover): But does he have a pointless song to sing? Big Paw: (singing) Big, Big, Big, Big Paw...(Repeated) (Big Paw cries tears that form pink hearts as the gang dances along.) NC (Voiceover): (sighs) You know what I could use right now? I could use a shot of Tyler Durden's penis. I don't usually say that, but this just seems like the perfect movie to put it in. (The Narrator (Edward Norton) from Fight Club appears in a movie theater with Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt).) Narrator: So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in Reel 3, that's when you catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film. (The Big Paw song continues with Big Paw playing patty-cake with flying hearts; for a split second, an image of two dogs mating appears in the scene. Cut to the audience in Fight Club reacting to the scene.) Narrator: Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did. Tyler Durden: A nice, big cock. (Cut to a girl crying in the theater in Fight Club.) NC (Voiceover): So the pound puppies and their new friend Big Paw approach the lair of our villain. (The puppies and purries fall through a trap door at McNasty's house, all except Big Paw.) Big Paw: I'd better hide! (Big Paw runs to hide.) NC (Voiceover): (disbelief) What ja-you'd better hide?! You're a giant, why don't you try eating the fucking house? (the gang lands in the cellar of the lair) So the rest of them get caught and are about to be turned into evil puppies, but it turns out McNasty wants the cats to leave because he's allergic. This gives Cooler an idea. (The puppies turn evil; Cooler appears wearing a fake cat head made from a bucket and a broom on his tail crudely disguised as a cat.) McNasty: Get them out of here! (Lumpy takes the cats away; Cooler brushes up against McNasty imitating a cat.) Cooler: Meow. Meow. NC: (imitating McNasty) Oh, and be sure to take the dog with the pot on his head and the broom up his arse! I...I don't think he's well. (The thugs throw the cats out; Cooler's gang is turned evil.) NC (Voiceover): So as the others are turned to evil, Cooler and the cats escape to find Big Paw. Now what are they gonna do? Cooler: Let's hide! NC (Voiceover): Why do you keep hiding?! You have the dog the size of a T-Rex! This movie should be over in like two seconds! (McNasty and his thugs drive off in a truck with the dogs in tow.) Big Paw: Those guys make me mad. (Cooler and the cats ride Big Paw; At the museum, they glue the two halves of the bone together.) NC (Voiceover): So they break into the museum as McNasty finally puts the bone back together. (McNasty puts the bone together and laughs maniacally as it glows brilliantly; however, nothing really comes of it.) NC (Voiceover): AND...nothing happens. He...just sort of declares himself king. (McNasty appears with a blue cape and his thugs give him a huge crown; he crowns himself.) NC (Voiceover): Um, bad news, guy: Britain has a parliament and America elects a president. This doesn't really mean anything. I mean, are you really expecting just walk up to the White House and be like... NC: (imitating McNasty) Let me in at once! I am your new king! NC: (imitating Secret Service) Uhh...no, you're not. We got a president. NC: (as McNasty) But the bone, the bone! (Frowns as he is unconvincing; The "Secret Service" shoots him.) (The kids, dogs, cats, and villains chase each other throughout the museum.) NC (Voiceover): (as himself) So through yet another cliche chase scene, we see the bone slip back and forth between everybody's hands. (The characters all chase each other through the classic hallway gag where they all emerge from completely different rooms and doors all over the hall; Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Gang run across the screen at one point.) (A dinosaur collapses onto Cooler and Big Paw.) NC (Voiceover): But Cooler and Big Paw get trapped as they try to figure out how to turn the evil dogs back to good. (Collette bares her teeth and drools as she stares down upon the puplings.) Male pupling: Mama, I love you! (Collette gasps and finally snaps out of it; she hugs her puppies as she turns back to good.) Collette: My darlings! Cooler: That's it! Saying "I love you" changes them back to normal. NC: (dumbstruck) Well, that's a weird design flaw. NC (Voiceover): McNasty, when making his mean machine, actually factored in that the only way to reverse it is saying "I love you"? How come love always seems to be the atom bomb in these movies?! It always seems to be the answer! (Reflex runs about kissing every dog saying "I love you", turning them back to normal.) NC (Voiceover): (as McNasty) Drat! I've been foiled by the power of love! (McNasty and his thugs flee as everyone gives chase.) NC (Voiceover): So they rush after McNasty to finally put everything right. Bones: But what about the cops? McNasty: We'll lose them, too! Nothing can stop me now! NC (Voiceover): (as McNasty) That is, except for a small dog taking the wheel from me, a bigger dog grabbing onto the back, a few sloppy turns, and a confusing ride that leads me back to the museum where the police are waiting! (McNasty crashes into the museum where his mean machine malfunctions.) McNasty: Don't let it touch me! I don't want to be reversed! I don't want to be a GOOD GUY!!! (The mean machine grabs McNasty and his thugs as it shocks them; the gang watches as they are reversed.) Cooler: Well, that takes care of them. (Cut to the mean machine, where a frame shows the skeletons of the three shocked villains.) Whopper: Yeah, but what about the scone bone? NC (Voiceover): So they find the bone, McNasty's now a McGoody, and the Pound Puppies have their adopting bazaar. (The Pound Puppies and Big Paw sing and dance along.) Pound Puppies: (singing) Everyone sing and dance and celebrate! (Cut to the present, where Whopper finally reaches the museum with his niece and nephew.) NC (Voiceover): Oh, and I guess Whopper finishes his story. Big Paw: I see you brought some new friends to meet me. Whopper's Nephew: I'm sorry we didn't believe you, Uncle Whopper. Whopper: Oh, that's all right, no harm done. The important thing is that with Big Paw guarding the bone, we'll never lose Puppy Power again! NC (Voiceover): And thus, Puppy Power stayed forever. Remember, kids, you can talk to your dogs! If for some reason it doesn't work, there's something wrong with you! You should be ashamed of yourself and feel totally awful that you're unable to enjoy your dog! Sorry, we don't know what the fuck's wrong with you. Maybe you're just an idiot. NC: (disgusted) What world created this? NC (Voiceover): Aside from just making NO sense....AT ALL, the animation's choppy, the characters are forgettable, the songs are crap, it's just a stupid, stupid, SSSSTUPID movie, with virtually nothing redeemable about it whatsoever. NC: So remember, (in a cutesy tone) the next time you see a cute, cuddly little puppy in the pound....LET 'EM ROT!!!! If not, (holds up the DVD of the movie) we might end up with more bullshit like this! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. END Tagline: Reflex (Kissing): I love you! Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts